I'm in my deep thoughts mood today, I guess I'll share one of my recent ponderings with you. Recently, I heard a speaker say that, "PAIN IS INEVITABLE, BUT MISERY IS OPTIONAL." Now I'm not normally a fortune-cookie philosophy type of girl, but this one really stuck with me. What an interesting thought to realize that I play a HUGE part in my misery - or lack thereof. Hmmmm......... So, I've been chewing on this one for the last couple of weeks, and I've decided that there just may be something to it.You see, Bill & I made a pact when we began this international adoption process that we were going to enjoy it. Every single bit of it. Now, for many of you who are in the process of adopting, you may right now think that we were either 1) hopelessly naive about adoption, or 2) totally out of our minds. Let me explain a bit, though, and perhaps you'll understand.
I haven't talked much about the road that got us to the place where we are adopting from Vietnam. I struggled with health issues and infertility for about eight years before becoming pregnant with my son. Then, when Will was born, my heart stopped working the way it was supposed to, and I was gravely ill. I eventually recovered, but the doctors informed us that having other biological children was a serious risk to my life, so adoption became our only possibility for being blessed with other children in our family. We experienced a difficult (and ultimately failed) domestic adoption situation prior to deciding to adopt internationally. God always stayed faithful to us, even though we didn't always understand the whats or whys of our lives.
Now, I'll be honest -- infertility stole a lot from my life. It stole many of the choices for my life and my family that most other people take for granted. It stole my health, it stole much of my youth as I was faced with the reality of cardiologists and pills at age 30, it stole way too much money from my bank account. But a few years ago, when Will was an infant, I decided that I was sick and tired of letting it steal my joy. Thanks be to God, who taught me that I did not have to let the possibility of not having another child keep me from enjoying every single moment with Will. So, we played pattycake in doctor's offices, curled up on the sofa to snuggle when I was too sick to go out, and slowed way down so we could smell the roses.
When Bill & I decided to pursue this international adoption, we followed the same guidelines. I mean, why should a little thing like not actually giving birth to our second son rob us of the joy of expecting him? When I was pregnant with Will, I loved every doctor's appointment, every chance to hear his heartbeat, every ultrasound. I loved decorating his baby's room and shopping for his little clothes. I did not love the physical part of being pregnant, but I sure did love the expectation! I loved knowing every day that I was one day closer to him.
Well, I'm doing the same thing this time around! I'm simply loving every day that I am one day closer to my new little one as well. I love to peek at my friends' blogs, see the pictures of their little boys, and imagine what my son might look like. I love learning every bit I can about his country, soaking up the visual images of the sun going down over Ninh Truan or the water flowing down the river in Can Tho. I've paged through every Vietnam travel book they stock at the Barnes & Noble, taking in the pictures of the country, memorizing maps and city names that I can't even pronounce. I've walked the aisles of the Vietnamese grocery store here in OKC, imagining what the smells might be like in my son's hometown. My husband and I have committed ourselves to travel to Vietnam early just to get to see what life there is really like - waking up on a boat in Ha Long Bay, visiting the ancient temples and fortresses of Hue, taking a train from Da Lat to Saigon.
You might ask what started this musing in me. Well, I'll be honest. I have been probably been doing way too much computer surfing lately, reading the blogs, forums, and chat rooms of other adoptive parents. Somehow, I keep stumbling over this overwhelming attitude of MISERY amongst most of my fellow parents-in-wait. There is this sense out there in blogger-land that the time between when you start your adoption paperwork and the time when you pick up your child is some sort of episode of "Adoption Survivor". It's like you try to make it through without too much collateral damage to your soul. Well, I'm here to say that maybe we all need a little more "MISERY IS OPTIONAL" in our attitudes. Now, I'm not saying I'm perfect, or that I have all the answers. Certainly, there are people who have been down this road before me who've handled in with more grace in their little finger than I will ever have in my whole life. But, through my experiences, I have learned a few choices we can make to be a little less miserable, even in painful situations.
So, in true Letterman style, here's my Top 5 Tips for staying sane in the midst of adoption. If others of you, who have gone before us in this process, or who are riding this grand ride with us, have other suggestions, please post them on your blogs as well. Let's make this our week of really encouraging one another with ways to have good thoughts and make misery optional!
My Top 5:
5. Get a hobby! Adoption is a part of your life, not the sum total of your life! While you are waiting for your child, enjoy life! Take a class, make a new friend, travel, read a great book. For sure, enjoy your spouse (if you are married), your other kids (if you have them), and your extended family. Treat yourself to a lazy morning in bed, a long shower, dinner at a beautiful restaurant, and lots of good nights of sleep. (There may be a shortage of these when your sweet little one comes home - remember, it's not all green grass with new children!) Most of all though, be more than your adoption process - keep being you.
4. Be realistic about your expectations. Wow, am I amazed at how upset adoptive families can get with the waiting process, even though their wait is not longer than their agency told them it would be! If they say 6-9 months from LID to referral, it will probably be 6-9 months! Misery will not make it faster!
3. Fall in love with everything about your new baby. For me, all those travel books and trips to Vietnamese restaurant only make me more excited about my adoption process, not more miserable.
2. Get your information from your agency, not from others. I'm guilty of this one, too, so I can speak by experience here. I made myself sort of nuts for a few weeks, thinking that part of our paperwork process should be shorter than it really was, based on information from other families, rather than from the agency. When I finally called the agency to ask about my papers, they were moving exactly at the speed that they should have been. They felt like they were moving at turtle-pace because my perspective was wrong, not because they really were strapped to a turtle!
1. Be thankful! Don't see thankfulness as a consequence, see it as a choice - even a commandment, if you are a follower of Christ. Find something every day good to say about your agency, about your child's culture, about your opportunity to be a part of this process at all. Remember that our children are pure blessings, not owed to us or expected, but loved all the more for the reminder that they came straight from the Master's hand!
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -- Philippians 4:6-7
